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Porsche to ban the use of enslaved squirrels at their Cayenne production plant in South Carolina

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We were all in shock when PETA exposed the German car manufacturer to use unpaid slave labor at one of their US factories.

“Squirrels are, by far, the fastest workers on the planet. They can put a car together faster than anything else, including robots. If you promise them hazel nuts, they will keep going forever”, says Hermann Schröder, head of Animal Resources at Porsche AG.

PETA has a different view altogether. After an anonymous tip, they did a surprise visit to the plant this Monday.

“We have never seen anything like it. There were no humans in sight. Instead, there were hundreds of thousands of rodents going completely nuts at the assembly line”

Officials at Porsche say they have done nothing wrong.

“Squirrels are the crackheads of the animal world. Incredible speed, endless energy. With proper motivation, you can train them to do anything. I mean anything – including putting cars together. As an added bonus – you have no annoying labor unions to deal with.”

Until PETA showed up.

The plant is now closed until further notice. The squirrels have been rescued, and taken to shelters all across the US south east. Some are in very bad shape.

In interviews, some squirrels have raised concerns about inhuman working conditions. 24 hour shifts with no access to food or water. Cruel handling by supervisors. In the end, very few hazel nuts were awarded, as promised by the company.

“A lot of squirrels died building cars in South Carolina. What started as a way out of the misery of living in trees under constant fear of being eaten by predators, turned out to be a proper nightmare. We were promised a better life. In the end we got fucked over by the hairless apes”, tweets Mr. Longtail, spokesperson of the newly founded squirrel labor union.

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